Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On