Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
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“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex