Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt