Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
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ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
(Musicians.)
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier