Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
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I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.