Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
You Might Also Like
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction