Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

So the ex texted me

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.