Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.