Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
a fate I wish upon no one
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Happy weekend !
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
#FunnyLife Insects
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?