Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Breaking news:
Thursday
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.