@aschiavone

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

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@daemonic3

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

@sonictyrant

me: [punching in at work]

boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges

@ruinedpicnic

Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
[outside]
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?

@markydoodoo

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

@christinaloca

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

@DirtyySouthMess

I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.

@ArfMeasures

“My friend got me a Fitbit”
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven’t got one tho
“u can buy them online”
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?