8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
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Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
lol
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Mouse
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.