“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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me: [punching in at work]
boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges
Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
Joe: No rooms.
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I want a sex change.
From “none” to “some”.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.
“My friend got me a Fitbit”
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven’t got one tho
“u can buy them online”
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?