Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”