@aschiavone

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

You Might Also Like

@Sassafrantz

Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.

@ihoplollipop

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

@jackiembouvier

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

@mariokeyparty

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

@joejwest

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

@Breadery

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

@withanewname

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

@PinkCamoTO

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

@Vice_Queen

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

@Jake_Vig

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”