Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.