Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
We know he can swim but…
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there