Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.