“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
reminder
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Mike is short for Micycle
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult