“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Note to self: always read the final line
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.