“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!