Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

cat vs inanimate object

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside