Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.