children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
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The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
#have a #great #PancakeDay
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.