Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

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My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.


them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal


therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no


One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV


The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.


Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.


Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.


Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.


I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.