@TheSweetestD_

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

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@biebersmurf

My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.

@retsoor

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

@katelynn_rae01

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

@weinerdog4life

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

@SteveKoehler22

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

@HuttonGray

Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.

@JermHimselfish

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

@JohnLyonTweets

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

@BlondAmbitionTO

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.