“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
it is time once again
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.