Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas