“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
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*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already