Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services