Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Maths meets science

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running