Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

Can’t, holding a grudge

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.