Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”