Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

hmmm

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal