Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
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With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
*looks at you in batman voice*
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
R.I.P.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”