Children of the corn 🌽
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Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached![]()
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]