Children of the corn 🌽
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no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
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My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.