Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

I’m having an out of money experience.

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane