Children of the corn đ˝
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taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up⌠đ¤Ł
Itâs bikini season, so youâre allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said âGood afternoon folksâ they will let you take their order.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You donât even know what time it is yet
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
USPS: if you pay us $8 weâll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance⌠we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Netflix and scroll through the selections until itâs too late to start watching anything.
Honest job application:
On the whole Iâll do a perfectly adequate job. Iâm quiet but not in an odd way. I wonât cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (wonât use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Iâm out of tweets so Iâm recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
we donât give my son hot dogs not because theyâre unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
An app that lets you book a house without the ownerâs permission, call it AirBnE
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so Iâve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I donât like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Iâm going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
âDonât hate me âcause you ainât me.â
âNo, I hate you âcause you say stuff like that.â
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine thatâs printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this monthâs issue, but youâll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
The school phoned me today and said, âYour sonâs been telling lies.â
I replied, âWell, tell him heâs bloody good â I ainât got any kids!â
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no itâs much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my childrenâs childing.
Of course I can keep a secret, Itâs the people I tell it to that canât.
Outside of a dog, a book is a manâs best friend. Inside of a dog, though, itâs every man for himself
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when sheâs crying about it she says, âI donât control the railways!â
movies are BACK
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasnât had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
Itâs less complicated.