Children of the Corn Man
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
LOL!
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.