Children of the Corn Man
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me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting