Children of the Corn Man
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If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.