Children of the Corn Man
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I have a place for everything. The floor.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have