Children of the Corn Man
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In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body