Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.