Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
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quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.