Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.