“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
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Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
inventing words: clothing
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I put the h in mysterious.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.