“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.