GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?
[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.