“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I feel seen.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around