@sixfootcandy

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

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@msgwenl

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

@kacisuewho

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

@therealeatwood

ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?

[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]

@Nikkeya08

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: Hi
Kid:
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.

@HallpassCanada

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

@caithuls

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

@dave_cactus

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.