Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
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Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Beware of fowl play.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
it be like that
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
