Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I’m giving up ice.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before