Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw