Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
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I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
