Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.