Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Monday

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

“We will wed,” I threatened

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.