Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
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security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
We need to put an American base on the sun
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”