China are probably making all the medals anyway.
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.