China are probably making all the medals anyway.
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True?
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“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Me too
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane![]()
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas