Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

🌱🌱🌱

This dude got his own movie?

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.