China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
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[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Not messing around
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
That earthquake could have been an email.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.