Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

This is my emotional support knife.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi