Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

Netflix and scream at our children?!

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

I never needed anything more in my life

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities