Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

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