China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
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It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Me My dog
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up