China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
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Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Dune (2021)
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!