China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
(yawn)
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
the noise i just made
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
You don’t even know
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.