Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Running your mouth is not cardio.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah