Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Pee pressure > peer pressure

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one