[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
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One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened