Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?

The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!