Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.