Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.