Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

notice

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

😭😭

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Raisins are grape jerky.