Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
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According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Found the job I’m suited for
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.