Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

I like crazy people until they notice me

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.