Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.