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Accurate
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
a public service announcement
I like crazy people until they notice me
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.