Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.