Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

one of

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.