Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Oh thanks BBC.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.