Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

We could have had frying pans with radios connected to them.

But, no, instead we have all this!

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos