Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.