Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
how to have fun when you’re poor
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔