Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Support your local cemetery

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.