Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.